OK, this has nothing to do with sailing but a British friend of mine emailed this and it’s very funny
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QANTAS
PILOTS REPORT
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called
a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct & inspect the problems, document their repairs on the
form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let
it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the
solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major
airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land
very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on
this aircraft.
P: Something loose in
cockpit.
S: Something tightened in
cockpit.
READ ON, THEY GET FUNNIER
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode
produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S:
Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P:
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle
levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction
locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in
OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF
mode.
P: Suspected crack in
windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief
search.
P: Aircraft handles
funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten
up, fly right, and be serious.
P:
Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target
radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in
cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for
last………………
P: Noise coming
from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a
hammer.
S: Took hammer away from
midget
Here are a few more thanks to snopes.com.
Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.
Defect: Pilot’s clock inoperative.
Action: Wound clock.
Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.
Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.
Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.
Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.
Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Action: Ground checks OK.
Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
Defect: Weather radar went ape!
Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!
At least QANTAS know how to spell their company name!
It ain’t QUANTAS!!!!!