September 23

Too Funny Not To Share

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313451
OK, this has nothing to do with sailing but a British friend of mine emailed this and it’s very funny
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QANTAS
PILOTS REPORT

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called
a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct & inspect the problems, document their repairs on the
form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let
it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the
solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major
airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land
very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on
this aircraft.

P: Something loose in
cockpit.
S: Something tightened in
cockpit.

READ ON, THEY GET FUNNIER

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode
produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S:
Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P:
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle
levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction
locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in
OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF
mode.

P: Suspected crack in
windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief
search.

P: Aircraft handles
funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten
up, fly right, and be serious.

P:
Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target
radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in
cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for
last………………

P: Noise coming
from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a
hammer.
S: Took hammer away from
midget


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  1. Here are a few more thanks to snopes.com.
    Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
    Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.
    Defect: Pilot’s clock inoperative.
    Action: Wound clock.
    Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
    Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.
    Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
    Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.
    Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
    Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.
    Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
    Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.
    Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
    Action: Ground checks OK.
    Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
    Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
    Defect: Weather radar went ape!
    Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!

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