There are many different ways to embarrass yourself while sailing. Having fenders hanging over your topsides or large scallops in your mainsail between the slides are two popular examples. Another is to use improper radio procedures. This demonstrates your incompetence not only to those who can see you, but to everyone within 20 miles.
via sailmagazine.com
I can always do with a VHF refresher. This was very handy (link above c/o Sailmagazine.com).
What's the dumbest thing you've ever heard over VHF?
Mine was a poor woman who was calling the coastguard because her husband had cut his finger and couldn't start the engine. He apparently was also too gravely wounded (or embarrassed) to use the radio himself so got his very stressed spouse to call in Ch16.
After 10 minutes of clogging up Channel 16 about her husband's finger and his inability to get the engine started she said "OK, it started" and then dropped off.
I know that there all sorts of rules about the correct procedures to use on marine VHF but I have no idea what they are. I keep meaning to get myself a handheld VHF for when I’m sailing on my own on the Laser in case of emergency, but I have no idea what I’m supposed to say if I do get myself into trouble and need some help. Would screaming, “HELP!” into the radio at the top of my voice be OK?
No but it would a great deal of entertainment.
“Someone: There is a boat on fire drifting down the Itchen. Solent Coastguard: Is it a petrol or diesel fire?” From http://dominiklenk.com/
At Heron Lake, there is a small island in the center of the main body of the lake, with a wind-warning beacon on it. Sometimes people hang out on that island. One summer day, we heard a not-terribly sober woman’s voice on the VHF: “Hey, you left me on this f***** island without any f***** cigarettes! Come back and bring me my f***** cigarettes, you m******!” This went on for several minutes. Apparently the woman’s vocabulary contained only one adjective, and she was short on nouns as well.
Yeah, but if you don’t have cigarettes….
My wife and I took our Pearson out for the first time from Sea Bright on the inside. I was too close to the edge of the channel and we went aground. Great, my wife said, as I struggled to back off by putting the engine in reverse. We were stuck. I hailed SeaTow on the VHF, which I had never used before. After I told the SeaTow captain my whereabouts in the Navesink, he said he’d be there in about 15 minutes. 10 minutes later he radioed to me and asked what number the nearest channel marker was. He said, “Captain, you’re in the Shrewsbury River.” Gulp. When he finally reached us and threw us his lines, the incoming tide had freed us and we embarrassingly drifted off of the shoal, without his long-awaited assistance.
Does this story count? It should.
I heard a guy in Jamaica Bay call “mayday.” When the Coast Guard responded and asked what the situation was, he told them he had run out of gas and was anchored. Not exactly an imminent loss of life.
I was working on an LNG tanker and heard one of our proud naval vessels hail a blue canoe and asked them to stay 500 YARDS away from where they were operating.
1) I would be surprised if the canoe had a VHF and was monitoring CH 16.
2) Its the Middle East and they use meters not yards
3) Its the Middle East and the local language is not English
Our favorite VHF transmission was this one, excerpted from a longer post on our blog: http://www.HartsAtSea.com
As we were heading for Norfolk one night, we heard this conversation between a female captain of a very large cargo vessel and the captain of the sailing vessel Dragon, from eastern Europe.
“Dragon, Dragon, Dragon. This is the Cargo Ship XYZ.”
“XVyZ, dis is Dragon.”
Evidently Dragon was in the middle of the ship channel and the captain of the big cargo ship wanted to know which side of the channel Dragon was going to move to. She asked him the standard question in that situation:
“Dragon we are the cargo ship on your stern. What are your intentions?”
And Dragon’s captain said, “Vell, I want to get into Norfolk and drop the hook somewhere. I’d like to take a few days and see the area a bit. Vy?”
I was laughing so hard I missed the Captain’s response.
These are all brilliant. And lest we forget this wonderful urban legend
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQqyeWBZrLQ
Nice post, well written. Where can i find more of your views?